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1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
4. Q: What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature blondes don't.
5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables
7. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
8. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
9. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
10. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
11. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
12. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno
13. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
14. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
15. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
16. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
17: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
18. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
19. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
20. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
21. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
22. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces themself.
23. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
24. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
25. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
26. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
27. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
28. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
29. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
30. Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
31. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
32. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
33. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
34. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
35. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
36. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
37. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
38. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
39. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
40. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
41. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
42. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
43. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
44. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
45. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
46. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
47. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
48. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
49. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
50. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
51. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
52. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
53. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
54. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE
55. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night
56. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: A Branch Manager.
57. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
58. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
59. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
60. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
61. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
62. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
63. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
64. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
65. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
67: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
68. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
69. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
70. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
71. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
72. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
73. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
74. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it
75. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
76. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear
77. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
78. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ?
A: It finally dawned on her.
79. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
80. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
81. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
82. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
83. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
84. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
85. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
86. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load on her.
The blonde says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."
87. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
88. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
89. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
90. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
91. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
92. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
93. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
94. Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
95. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
96. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
97. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
98. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
99. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
100. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
101. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
102. Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
103. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
104. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
105. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
106. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
107. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
108. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
109. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
110. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
111. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
112. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
113. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
114. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
115. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
116. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
117. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
118. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
119. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
120. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
121. I told my blonde friend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
122. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
123. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who?
A1: got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
A2: was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
A3: had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
A4: thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
A5: went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
A6: brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
124. Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
125. At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
126. Blonde Medical Terminology
Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly D&C -- where Washington is Diarrhea -- journal of daily events Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Grippe -- suitcase Hangnail -- coathook Impotent -- distinguished, well known Intense pain -- torture in a teepee Labour pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Node -- was aware of Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favouring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em Recovery room -- place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- amorous Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tibia -- country in North Africa Tumour -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Vein -- conceited
127. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.
128. Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
129. Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
130. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
131. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.
132. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
133. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refriderator cold.
134. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
135 Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
136. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
137. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
138. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
139 Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
140. Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A: Play ball.
141 Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
142 A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
143. Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.
144. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub and one to hand her the blow dryer.
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