1) If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

2) If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" |

3) If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

4) If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

5) If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

6) If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT"

7) If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

8) If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her

9) If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

10) If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin"

11) If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star

12) If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba"

1) His shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

2) He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

3) He has a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

4) He refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"

5) He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

6) He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

7) He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

8) He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

9) He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

10) He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

11) He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

12) He says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!" instead of "Engage"

13) He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

14) He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

15) He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

16) He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

17) He paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes

18) He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

19) He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

20) His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

21) He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

22) His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

23) He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

24) His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

25) He sets phaser to "Cajun"

26) He has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

27) The warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu

28) He orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine

29) He lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol

30) He keeps livestock in the cargo bay

31) He refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had."

32) He orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

33) The ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses

1) If he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer

2) If he says "these are not the beers you're looking for"

3) If that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs

4) If the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside

5) If he calls his young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"

6) If he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up

7) If the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family

8) If he calls Hank Williams Jr."master"

9) If his landspeeder has a gun rack

10) If he meditiates to old CCR records

11) If he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy.

12) If he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees... the dark side are they."

13) If his X-Wing has a still in it

14) If his lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base

15) If there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid

16) If his robes have the Golden Flour label on them

17) If he trim his beard and finds a Mynock

18) If he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill

19) If he uses Jawas for a drink holder

20) If he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other

21) If he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck

22) If he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD

23) If he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth

24) If he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.

25) If his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored

26) If at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored

27) If he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

28) If he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

29) If he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

30) If he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling

31) If his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

32) If he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light

33) If he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery

34) If he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest

35) If his father's name is Garth Vader

36) If he got his lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids

37) If he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister

38) If he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs

39) If he counts B. O. as a Jedi power

40) If he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer

41) If his master has ever asked him "Now my finger, you will pull, hmmmm?"

42) He can levitate himself with a force from within, without resorting to THE FORCE

43) He has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling

44) The Rancor Monster refused to eat him, twice

1) We don't keep firearms in this house.

2) Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

3) You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky.

4) No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

5) Wrasslin's fake.

6) Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

7) We're vegetarians.

8) Do you think my hair is too big?

9) I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

10) Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?

11) Who's Richard Petty?

12) Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

13) Deer heads detract from the decor.

14) Spitting is such a nasty habit.

15) I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

16) Trim the fat off that steak.

17) Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

18) The tires on that truck are too big.

19) I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

20) I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

21) Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

22) My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

23) I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

24) Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

25) She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

26) Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

27) Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

28) I don't have a favorite college team.

29) I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

30) Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

31) Elvis who?

32) I just love the Opera

33) Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

34) Don't worry, I'll pay for this!!

35) Pornography is the bane of society

36) Damned if that polititian ain't honest!

1) "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

2) "Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.

3) "Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.

4) "Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.

5) "Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.

6) "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

7) "Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

8) "Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

9) "Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

10) "Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

11) "LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yer truck."

12) "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

13) "Bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

14) "Digital control" -- What Yer fingers do on the TV remote.

15) "Packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

1) Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2) When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3) Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4) When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5) Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6) Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

7) Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1) Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

2) If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

3) While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

4) Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.